Never Complain, Never Explain – The Daily Stoic – Part 17 of 366

Don’t allow yourself to be heard any longer griping about public life, not even with your own ears!

– Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 8.9

The burdens of responsibility are immense, and it is human nature to want to air your grievances about any given thing. The conventional wisdom even reinforces this: don’t bottle things up, get it off your chest, blow off steam.

How interesting it is then that we know, and have known clearly since Marcus’ time, that venting does no good. A recent study confirms that venting actually can be benign at best and counterproductive at its worst because it essentially elevates the problems in your mind and allows you to ruminate on them more deeply. Rumination is also deeply tied to mental health and depression.

This comes as a timely reminder for me, and it was one of the most important takeaways from Holiday’s The Obstacle Is The Way — it is easy to complain, make excuses and justifications, but it doesn’t do anything, it never lightens the load, and it does not remove the obstacles you face.

Negativity is like a cancer: it multiplies until it destroys the very being that gives it life if it is not stopped in its tracks.

The Strong Accept Responsibility – The Daily Stoic – Part 16 of 366

If we judge as good and evil only the things in the power of our own choice, then there is no room left for blaming the gods or being hostile to others.

– Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 6.41

In the world of business there is a key trait that is highlighted in just about every book on leadership and company culture: as a leader you take blame and give praise. Complaints go up the chain of command, not down. This doesn’t mean as a leader you don’t provide guidance, feedback, corrections, and so on, but you must internally learn to differentiate between what is venting and complaining and what is valuable, actionable feedback for your team and organization. The most successful leaders accept responsibility, often without praise and accolades.

Given this, I am always drawn back to a thought exercise I went through in business school which, while it has some eerie dystopian capitalist overtones, I think is useful for many people who have never thought of life this way. Imagine your life a business, and you as the CEO. You must make strategic decisions, and over your life you will likely command millions in revenue from salaries and other sources. You have to choose when and how to invest in your team (that’s you, and your partner if you have one), which opportunities to take and ignore, how to manage your cost structure, and figure out how to deal with the many obstacles that face your nascent enterprise.

You are the the CEO of your life. You are the top of the chain of command. The buck stops with you. It is your choices and actions that will guide the outcomes.

The responsibility is yours.

Depression is a disease of civilization

Depression is hard. I have found it can be nearly impossible to explain and convey the gravity of it to people who have never experienced it themselves or with those they care about. For those unfamiliar it is easy to see laziness or apathy, but for those struggling its hard to explain why the simplest tasks are insurmountable. Why taking out the trash or going for a walk or checking the mail takes every ounce of power you can muster. You’re spent and you aren’t sure why. Everything little thing feels impossible.

I remember when I first watched this talk by Dr. Stephen Ilardi ten years ago, and as someone who was struggling with depression it really made me challenge my assumptions about my struggles. When he talked about depression being nearly non-existent in hunter gatherer societies even to this day it has to make you wonder as he did: why is that? How is that possible? Rates of mental health issues have increased dramatically over the last 50 years and show no signs of slowing, and yet we have more research than ever on the topic.

Everyone’s struggle is different and I suggest anyone who is struggling to seek help and connection, but I can say for myself that his hypothesis and advice was apropos. Modern life removes a lot of the struggles we are biologically adapted for, and that leaves us with mental and physical gaps to fill. If you don’t need to find your food yourself then your brain will start to equate that struggle with your DoorDash order. With so much spare time you turn your phone into a job with endless social media apps to scroll, notifications to read and clear, and numbers to make go up or down as your dopamine demands. Since the web is infinite you can do this endlessly, and you lose sleep in search of the next cat video that will make your brain tingle for 15 seconds. You become “busy” and don’t see your friends because you feel like crap and become overwhelmed. The cycle turns into a death spiral.

I don’t mean to trivialize, but these are modern invented problems only made possible by the advancements of civilization. Our biology isn’t adapted to spend 14 hours a day on a screen. You need the sun and nature. You are a social creature no matter how introverted you are. Your brain is wired for connection. Your brain needs challenging and creative work the way your muscles need movement. Without it you will atrophy.

I have spent the last few years working diligently on becoming the best version of myself, and the results have dramatically exceeded what I would have predicted when deep down in the depths of depression. If I could sum up my biased n=1 personal experiment it would largely follow Dr. Ilardi’s advice:

Sleep well
Move more
Challenge your brain
Prioritize social connection
Provide value to others
Play with the world

Put the screen away, go outside, and follow where your feet take you. That is where the world is.

It’s Not The Thing, It’s What We Make Of It – The Daily Stoic – Part 15 of 366

When you are distressed by an external thing, it’s not the thing itself that troubles you, but only your judgement of it. And you can wipe this out at a moment’s notice.
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 8.47

The book’s example after this quote is about Franklin Delano Roosevelt. He spent his whole life dreaming and preparing for his career in politics, but at 39 he got polio. Did he let this horrible disease, an “external thing,” end his hopes and dreams of winning the presidency? We all know the answer given that FDR is widely regarded as one of the greatest political figures in American history.

This one also hits home for me. As we’ve touched on in the past, it is easy to feel like life was unfair in the hand it dealt you and then use that as fuel to generate a myriad of reasons why you don’t have what you want. My dad became disabled when I was in fourth grade. My mother got breast cancer a couple years later, and she died when I was in eleventh grade. My maternal grandfather died that same year. The knock on effects of these events were huge. Almost everything in life changed in some way. My entire childhood was defined by these events, and they were all outside of my control.

It took me a long time to make my peace. Ultimately the feelings of worry, anger, stress, disdain, and sadness were generated from within, and they were holding me back. Changing how I thought about these things very likely saved my life, and only now am I able to look back and see how fortunate I still was in so many ways.

The book ends with the line, “Let’s not confuse acceptance with passivity.” This is an important note. The idea is not to invalidate your feelings, to ignore things, or not to care. It is not about lack of agency, or abdicating your desires and ability (and responsibility) to act. From my view, you should experience the emotions as they come to you. It is good to be sad when sad things happen. But don’t get stuck and dwell on it for too long.

Time moves on, and so should you. Accept the things you cannot change.

Always The Same – The Daily Stoic – Part 14 of 366

Think by way of example on the times of Vespasian, and you’ll see all these things: marrying, raising children, falling ill, dying, wars, holiday feasts, commerce, farming, flattering, pretending, suspecting, scheming, praying that others die, grumbling over one’s lot, falling in love, amassing fortunes, lusting after office and power. Now that life of theirs is dead and gone… the times of Trajan, again the same…
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 4.32

It is easy to think we now live at the apex of human society, with our impressive technology and handful of accomplishments truly defining of our species. The Industrial Revolution. The invention of flight. The moon landing. The Internet.

But, truthfully, evolution takes a long time to occur. It takes a duration so long it is not easily comprehended by humans. Humans today are not appreciably different from humans 50, 100, or 1000 years ago. Sure, we have more technology and knowledge at our finger tips, but that largely does not change who and what we are. As Marcus Aurelius points out, we largely do what our ancestors did. Our ancestors will do largely what we do. Per the book, “With a few exceptions, things are the same as they’ve always been and always will be.”

We are all, for a brief time, passengers on the starship of Earth. It was here long before we were born, and it will be here long after we are gone. Radical change is not in the cards. Humans are humans, and they do what humans do. Make your peace with that and you improve your chances of a pleasant journey through the cosmos.

All Is Fluid – The Daily Stoic – Part 13 of 366

The universe is change. Life is opinion.
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 4.3.4b

When our hair grows long we cut it. If our nails grow long we cut them. When our cells die they are replaced by new ones. The skin on your body is entirely different than the skin you had 27 days ago.

Are you still the same person? Or are you a new one? Strictly speaking the matter that makes up who you are is entirely new. And yet I think most would all agree we are still the same person; these molecular changes do not change who we are.

But what about your thoughts and memories? Those are constantly changing. What about your job? That is likely to change several times throughout your life. Where you live? Where you live now is probably different than where you grew up or went to college. How much do these things define who you, your family, and your friends are? How much do these things inform how you think and act?

The book notes that, “Our understanding of what something is is just a snapshot — an ephemeral opinion.” This is exactly right. How you view something today is based on so many different variables it is impossible to list them all. How you think about something tomorrow could be drastically different than how you thought about it today if something changes.

And it will. It always will. Change is the only constant.

It follows then that the more fluid and malleable you are in your thoughts, actions, and opinions, the smoother your journey through life will be. Being rigid should never be a point of pride as it shows a refusal to acknowledge the weight of the universe, and that is a losing battle.

Actors In A Play – The Daily Stoic – Part 12 of 366

Remember that you are an actor in a play, playing a character according to the will of the playwright — if a short play, then it’s short; if long, long. If he wishes you to play the beggar, play even that role well, just as you would if it were a cripple, a honcho, or an everyday person. For this is your duty, to perform well the character assigned you. That selection belongs to another.”
Epictetus, Enchiridion, 17

Play the hand you are dealt, and play it well. It is the only hand you get. This is the lesson the Epictetus is trying to impart. The book goes on to mention that accepting and fulfilling our part is not at odds with ambition which is not obvious at first glance. After all, if we are assigned a part then why try rising above our station? If we must play the beggar then how are we not locked into such a poor life?

There are many stories where the mighty fall, and there are many stories where the less fortunate rise. You may be assigned a part when you enter the story, but the story itself is not yet written. The question really is this: what do you want your story to be? If someone tells your tale, what will they say?

In order to change your story you must first accept and understand the role you have been tasked to play. You cannot change where the story starts or where it has already been, but once you are in control then your story will go wherever you wish.

How To Be Powerful – The Daily Stoic – Part 11 of 366

Don’t trust in your reputation, money, or position, but in the strength that is yours — namely, your judgements about the things that you control and don’t control. For this alone is what makes us free and unfettered, that picks us up by the neck from the depths and lifts us eye to eye with the rich and powerful.
Epictetus, Discourses, 3.26.34-35

The book talks about a story in which a philosopher stands eye to eye with Alexander the Great, unwilling to move out of the way of him and his army. When asked what he has accomplished compared to Alexander, he replies, “I have conquered the need to conquer the world.”

Reputation, money, position, fame, and so on can all be stripped away. They are things conferred unto us by other people and society. All humans desire these things to varying degrees. Unfortunately, they are not entirely within our realm of control.

This too is a hard lesson. Money truly seems very important, and when you don’t have enough life is indeed miserable. It is understandable why most people make such concessions to obtain it, even if they must do so at the expense of their individual freedoms. But I do think many (including myself) put perhaps too high a premium on it.

It doesn’t always feel like it, but you can always earn more money. It is worth making sure that you are not trading too much in return for it, both in terms of time, stress, and moral authority.

This is a timely and relevant passage. I don’t normally think of myself a kingdom builder, but I am more that than many I know. It has taken more deliberate action than I expected in passing the baton and handing over the keys to things I have spent five or more years building. Letting go is not easy for me. And yet I know that for the next cycle to begin I must learn to accept these things and cherish the chance to create an opportunities for others around me while I get out of the way.

A Higher Power – The Daily Stoic – Part 9 of 366

This is the very thing which makes up the virtue of the happy person and a well-flowing life — when the affairs of life are in every way tuned to the harmony between the individual divine spirit and the will of the director of the universe.
Chrysippus, Quoted in Diogenes Laertius, Lives of the Eminent Philosophers, 7.1.88

For this quote the book talks about addicts struggling in a 12 step program where step 2 is acknowledge a higher power. At first glance this feels like a religious platitude, and it is not necessarily helpful to the nonreligious. But the point really has nothing to do with religion at all. The fundamental idea is to accept that the world does not revolve around us. It is much too big for that. We are not at the center, and we are not in control. We are simply along for the ride of life. As the book says, “As soon as you can attune your spirit to that idea, the easier and happier your life will be, because you will have given up the most potent addiction of all: control.” What a great way to phrase it — “attune your spirit to that idea.” How you think about and understand the world and your relationship to it is entirely within your control, and yet this is something that most people spend very little time thinking about.

I am not a religious man, and I have not been for a very long time. But I also figured out long ago that not being religious does not mean you cannot be spiritual. In the Neil DeGrasse Tyson interview with TIME magazine he is asked about the The Most Astounding Fact, and this helped me more concretely frame and explain my spiritual views ever since. You do not need to believe in a god to see the beauty and feel kinship with the Universe at large. In so many ways we are just a brief jumble of particles that have coalesced in a way for the Universe to view and experience itself. Our atoms will return on their journey before too long, and we should treasure the time given to us to experience this cosmic adventure.

When considering the big picture, we are not in control. We are along for the ride.

The Cycle

At the end of 2018 I wrote a post called What Do You Want? where I detailed achieving a goal I focused almost solely on for five years, and how that left me feeling… well, just feeling. Lots of feels. And ultimately I wasn’t sure what to do next other than keep going.

Since then it seems life was happy to keep me preoccupied with other things. New projects and challenges at work, a country in turmoil, a long distance relationship, adopting a cute senior pup, a global pandemic, and the loss of my father. And so I went, goal-less, for the past few years; just riding with the currents of life and unsure where exactly I wanted to go.

Honestly, while this was a departure from how I normally operate, it was kind of freeing to not have the yearly summit where I harshly analyze my progress and work diligently on course corrections. If ever there was a time to give myself grace, it would seem 2019 and 2020 were it. Now emerging from both the chaos and unstructured years, I do find myself slowly returning to things I once held dear.

I have always been an active learner, but it has grown more passive over time. I have generally felt over the years that work has left little bandwidth to want to program and experiment outside of it, yet I am seemingly happy to watch any number of Youtube videos on business, programming, and the like. Putting in more effort than that seemed a challenging ask even though all of the years I spent programming before work were chock full of experiments.

The same is true for gaming. It used to be that if I was not at work or school then I would normally be playing games. And yet, for some reason, even that had become a challenging ask. Challenging to the point where even the thought of playing some games gave me anxiety. I turned myself invisible on Steam and on the Blizzard client, and my game libraries collected dust.

Looking back I think this is enitrely due to life events and not changing interests on my part. It turns out the middle years are messy even without a wife and kids. Careers, buying houses, aging parents, and paying more attention to the country and local community start to take up time and mind share in a way they don’t when you are young.

Some of these stressful situations finally resolving seem to have introduced a light at the end of the current tunnel. Now I have a bunch of things I want to program for fun, including some products with financial potential. I have books to read, research to do, blogs to write, places to go with my pup, and even games to play.

I am finally ready for the cycle to start again.