Dear Cade

Congratulations! Graduating high school is a big milestone in life. It takes a ton of sweat, energy, and dedication to make it through the gauntlet of classes, sports, college and scholarship applications, work, extracurriculars, and all of the other myriad expectations foisted on young adults. It is truly a challenging life phase to enter and exit productively, and I hope you are able to take some time to relax and enjoy the fruits of your labor with your family and friends before you embark on the next big phase in life.

Last year for Paige’s graduation I gifted her many books and offered some of the insights I have learned throughout my years. I stand by all of that and would implore you to give it a read and some consideration. However, that has all been said and those thoughts and words do not need another rehashing here. What then can I offer you as words of wisdom?

At the risk of venturing into unpopular and controversial territory, I do also want to be brutally honest with you. You come of age during strange and uncertain times. Be it politics, technology, or the changing of gender and social dynamics of society, life has become a complex minefield for young men in particular. Never before has it been less clear what is expected of you by society, and pressure mounts as the pace of change quickens at a clip never before seen in history. This may come to weigh heavily on you and others of your generation in ways you do not yet see or expect.

I do not say this to frighten you. Indeed, the lesson here is the opposite. You will inevitably face challenges and encounter change. How you frame and subsequently react to challenges and change is what will ultimately define you and your life. What I wish to offer you is a mindset to equip when those circumstances arise.

Be Useful

Okay, so I had to include at least one book. Be Useful details the trials and tribulations of Arnold Schwarzenegger from poor and destitute Austrian child to the world’s highest paid actor, world’s strongest man, and eventually Governor of California, the most populous state and 6th biggest economy in the world. He offers some great insights into how he approaches the world, but the title – Be Useful – is advice his father gave him that he never forgot and put to great use.

It sounds trite, but this is actually remarkably good advice. Approaching every part of life thinking, “how can I be of use here?” will take you shockingly far. I can tell you from experience that this is not how most people approach the world. Most people find any and all reasons they can’t possibly contribute in most circumstances, and this holds them back from reaching their potential.

Every problem approached with curiosity and optimism is an opportunity in disguise. In situations of extreme turmoil or uncertainty, don’t be afraid to be the one to step up even if you don’t know the answer. Take hard problems and figure them out. This will help you develop and refine your skills at lightning speed and keep you relevant in every context you find yourself.

Be Intentional

The majority of folks let life happen to them. They float on the sands of time, sometimes with one sail to pull them vaguely in a direction, but you would be shocked at how little of a plan most people have. Although it may be hard for some to stomach, the reality of life is that you get more if you ask for it. You make more money, you get more dates, you get better projects at work, and on and on. Opportunity usually ends up in the hands of those who seek it out or are best positioned to take advantage when it is presented. If you want something, go get it. At the end of your days you won’t remember which TikToks you scrolled through, but you will remember the goals you did and did not accomplish.

The primary reason most people are not intentional is because they are not sure of what they want. What they want may also change. All of that is totally normal. In fact, it is good. You should be revisiting what you want and why you want it. And if you ever feel stuck or lost, go back and revisit this concept. What do you want and why?

On this point I give you a Goal Setting Journal. The creator of this journal is named Will, and he has an interesting journey and Youtube channel where he travels the world and interviews people of various ages about their dreams, goals, fears, regrets, and advice for others. The stories span from heartwarming to heartbreaking, and I find it offers great perspective on developing your own perspective which will ultimately lead you to your path. Once you know your path to follow, don’t just walk down it – run as fast as you can.

Be Kind

And last, but certainly not least: be kind. It costs you nothing, and often it ends up being the one thing that matters most. The impact you make in the world is a function of how many you serve and how well you serve them. Taking some extra time to listen, consider, and understand will set you apart from those in a noisy world that can’t otherwise be bothered. Everyone and everything in this world offers a lesson for you to learn even if it may not always feel that way. Deploy your skills generously and the world will make it worth your while.

P.S. – Your mom said it is okay for me to offer you a fast and spirited, but responsible and safe ride in my Beemer if you would like. Hit me up if that is of interest sometime.

Judge Not, Lest… – The Daily Stoic – Part 21 of 366

When philosophy is wielded with arrogance and stubbornly, it is the cause for the ruin of many. Let philosophy scrape off your own faults, rather than be a way to rail against the faults of others.

— Seneca, Moral Letters, 103.4b-5a

It pleases me to find this particular quote in the section on acceptance. You can not and should not set out to change and judge others. People come with many faults, and I think people dwell on that very deeply without reminders from others. Sanding down your rough edges does not make you better than anyone else. We are all works in progress, and the only garden to which you can actually tend is your own.

This lesson applies well outside the realm of philosophy as well. Your lifestyle is not better or worse than most others. The books you read are not superior to others. Your hobbies are not, the media you consume is not, your schooling is not, and so on. Your lived experience differs from those around you, but that does not diminish or enhance anyone. Given long enough, we all share the same end regardless of how the time was spent.

Focus your energy internally instead of externally. Chase your goals and your truths. Live the life you want and are proud of. Refine your thinking, build up your strengths and scrape off your own faults as best you can. This is a continual process done over the course of a life time.

Along the way you must accept others where they are and as they are. Do not wield your wisdom like a sword or a bludgeon. Instead you must offer it freely and without judgement in the hope it may be of some use to others.

Effort Is Attractive

Good character is not formed in a week or a month. It is created little by little, day by day. Protracted and patient effort is needed to develop good character.

~Heraclitus

Life is hard, and for most of human history it was much harder. There is no doubt that advances in technology have come with many pros and cons. As a society we have become used to comfort, distraction, and immediate gratification. We have also become inundated with constant, incessant access to the best among us. We constantly see and share those who have seemingly impossible, unachievable skills, wealth, knowledge, lifestyles, experiences, and so on. This is demotivating for most humans since you do no see the years of work that goes into producing 30 seconds of greatness on TikTok, and the primal brain thinks, “I could NEVER do that!”

But you can, and you should. Nothing is more attractive than people who love the game they play and give it their all. People who are on their grind because they want to see what they can achieve and what they are truly capable of. People who want to know that, at the end of the day, they left nothing on the table in pursuit of the things they actually care about.

Success and growth requires a willingness and dedication to experience prolonged discomfort, and the human mind actively does not like to do hard things for long periods. This is actually extremely smart biologically and extremely dumb mentally and spiritually. Your biology does not know that its time on this planetary spaceship is limited, but your brain does and so do the brains of others. This is why people putting in the effort stand out in our distractable and comfortable world.

Overnight success is based on luck, and durable long run success is based on effort. You must have the right skills and confidence to capitalize on the opportunities life provides you, and someone relentlessly chasing their passions will be best positioned to make this magic happen.

Put down the phone and chase what matters to you.

You don’t need to the be the best to ever do it. Just be the best you can be and let that be enough.

The Most Important Step A Man Can Take

Some folks consider fiction books a waste of time and liken them to junk food for the brain. This has always confused me because study after study shows that people who read fiction often gain a variety of mental benefits besides partaking in an enjoyable hobby. I can also think of many fictional characters who taught me not just valuable life lessons, but profound lessons about myself. They have provided a plethora of thoughts and traits I cherish and hold dear, points of view I consider novel and pivotal to my world view, and acts of service and fortitude so grand it boggles the mind and challenges me to do better.

I have been marinating on this as a colleague of mine is reading through the Stormlight Archive and rapidly approaching one of my favorite sequences in all of fiction in the book Oathbringer. If you have not read it, this is a fair spoiler for a book that is now over 7 years old, so carry on at your own risk.

Continue reading →

Turbo and Throttle

Most of the time the processor in your computer is doing very little work. In fact, as you read this, it is probably sitting close to idle. The work demanded of it is often tiny compared to what it is truly capable of when it runs full tilt. Modern processors have base clocks and turbo modes to reflect these dual demands.

When work is light a processor sits at its base clock trying to be as energy efficient as possible. When work is hard it runs at its turbo frequencies for as long as it can manage until the work is complete. This often results in a very spiky existence for the processor as it oscillates between dreadfully long periods of doing nearly nothing and often relatively brief (but sometimes continuous) bursts of all out demand for optimal performance.

On the other hand, if a processor has insufficient cooling or suffers from other environmental factors (like being directly in sunlight for a long time), it will begin to thermal throttle. This is a feature designed to prevent the chip from harming itself, and potentially other valuable components, if it is going to exceed its thermal capacity for too long.

This means that the processor eventually finds equilibrium at maximum sustained performance given its thermal realities. In a perfect world (with good cooling) it can and will run at full tilt forever as it sheds heat into an environment capable of dissipating it effectively, but in the worst case it will shut down all together (such as when the heatsink is removed) which stops any work from being done.

Technology often mirrors life since it is made by humans for humans, and these concepts translate directly into how people operate. In knowledge work the demand is often spiky like that of a processor. We may be chugging along performing our work as normal before a new initiative kicks off and soaks up all of the available bandwidth from a team. Depending on the circumstances, this may cause people to go from from their normal work output into turbo mode. If teams or individuals run in turbo mode for too long, they burn out unless throttling is introduced.

This scenario is actually an example of optimal stopping theory. If a team or individual operates at 100% of their ability at all times then there is no scenario in which they can respond to a spike in demand or change of circumstances without dropping something else they were doing which was already important. However, you also don’t want anyone sitting around idle.

How much capacity should generally be utilized? When do you introduce throttling?

This depends on the nature of the work and the environment the team or individual finds themselves in. If the work is well understood and consistent then maybe you can survive closer to the 100% threshold, but the less clear and less consistent the work the more you need to build in some reserve capacity. This idea was somewhat infamously explored by Donal Shoup‘s book The High Cost of Free Parking. He proposed the idea that parking utilization should be around 85% to be optimal, and that introducing parking fees to achieve this this would reduce traffic congestion, fuel waste, and time waste (thus saving more than the fees paid) while raising revenue for the city by removing free parking. For the cities that have tried it, it appears to work.

This seems close enough to the 80/20 rule (known as the Pareto principle) to help us here. We should strive to consistently operate around 80-85% of our possible capacity. This leaves us room to turbo when necessary, but also means we are never idle and not providing value. When I say these numbers I don’t mean just at work, but your total capacity as a human being. When one of my team members had a sudden loss in the family that obviously demanded many of his cycles, and that meant he had less cycles to use elsewhere for a time. Try to quantify the demands life has of you and be realistic about what that means for where you spend your cycles.

If an individual or team is consistently above this threshold then they (and leadership) need to consider two things:

Throttle before you burn out. This will feel impossible when the workload is at its peak with no end in sight, but it simply must be done for the good of all. Take some PTO, find ways to relax and de-stress, and see if any of the work can be better balanced among teams and individuals.
Increase capacity and/or shed workload. For a team this is obvious: if there is important work not getting done then see if you can delegate this (or less important) work or hire more people. For individuals this is a little harder. Are there improvements to the workflow or process you could make? Would training help you be more efficient? Is there other low value work eating up your cycles that you could stop doing? Can you partition the tasks differently such that more people can contribute?

America treats working yourself to the brink as a rite of passage, but as a recovering workaholic who has gone beyond all limits several times I assure you it is sub-optimal just like free parking and infinite turbo. When you run out of juice and force a shutdown you halt everything, and the damage of this scenario can be extreme.

You do not provide value to your team, your organization, your family, or yourself if your burn out.

To be a consistent high performer you must learn and respect your actual capacity. To be a good leader you must stop individuals and teams from running too hot for too long while also making sure no one is idle.

If you are turboing right now without an end in sight, consider when to start throttling. Taking care of yourself is not defeat. On the contrary, it is the most optimal thing you can do.

Hope And Fear Are The Same – The Daily Stoic – Part 20 of 366

Hecato says, “Cease to hope and you will cease to fear.” … The primary cause of both these ills is that instead of adapting ourselves to present circumstances we send out thoughts too far ahead.

– Seneca, Moral Letters, 5.7b-8

This one is very interesting. While I imagine most people would indeed consider hope and fear two sides of the same coin, I don’t imagine most people would consider them the same. Hope is good and fear is bad, right?

Wrong. Both are at odds with present moment, and both are entirely outside of your control. That doesn’t mean it is wrong to hope or wrong to fear, but it is wrong to invest your valuable time and energy too deeply on something that may not come to pass, or that is “too far ahead” as Seneca writes.

Two of my other favorite quotes are also along these lines. Seneca said in perhaps his most famous line, “we suffer more in imagination than in reality,” and Marcus Aurelius wrote, “don’t let your imagination be crushed by life as a whole.”

I come back to these lines often and share them with others because this seems to be at the root of anxiety for a lot of people. I have seen multiple people multiple times convince themselves everything was horrible despite them being objectively in the best situation they have ever been in their lives. Just the other day at work I was having a tough discussion with someone fearful of the future that was extrapolating worst case scenarios about things that may never come to pass.

It is easy to suffer worries imagined, but what about suffering wants imagined? Part of what is fascinating about this to me is that this can manifest in a couple of different ways, and none of them good. Some people when imagining wants will encounter loss aversion over something they have never obtained, and loss aversion is extremely potent in the human mind. I know friends who would rather dream of asking out a specific woman in their lives than give it a shot because they can ruminate on it endlessly if they never bring it to a conclusion (a Schroedinger’s Relationship). This is want and fear manifested at the same time! In some ways this is a remarkable achievement of the human mind, as there is no other animal we know of that can achieve these sorts of mental gymnastics.

The other manifestation I find interesting here is what happens when you get what you want. If you have convinced yourself you deserve it and it comes to pass then it may mean far less to you than if it had just happened in the present without any seriousness or import bestowed upon it in your mind. This ties back into the Hedonic Treadmill and the innate human feature of never being satisfied with the here and now. By the time you get what you want you are already hoping, imagining, and wanting the next thing. It can also turn into a sense of entitlement if you convince yourself that this hope of yours should come to pass, and the sense of disappointment may be profound when it does not occur and you have, in Marcus’ words, “let your imagination be crushed by life.”

We all want and we all worry. We all hope and we all fear. But we must also understand that these things can be dangerous because they exist solely in our minds, and, consequently, we directly control how dramatic, impactful, or erroneous they ultimately are.

One on One

Many folks I know lament doing 1 on 1s at work, and the trepidation is often on both sides of the conversation.

Is my boss/coworker/direct report supposed to be my friend? Do we only talk about work? How much of my life do they really need to know? How much of their life do I need to know? Does any of it matter?

Personally I have been on both ends of the spectrum. As an engineer I usually want nothing more than uninterrupted time to do my work, and recurring meetings break into that. Throw in a 1 on 1 where the agenda might be nebulous and the meeting performative then the whole thing seems like a waste of time. As a manager, the number of 1 on 1s can be overwhelming if you are doing direct reports, skip levels, lateral peers, your boss and dotted lines. Also, the higher up you get the more relationships you have to manage, and the success of your organization becomes increasingly predicated on these relationships.

That said, at a fundamental level, businesses are about people. It is about your customer and their problems that you solve. It is about your team that solves those problems. It is about the vendors your business relies on to operate. It is about the communities in which you operate. It is about you, your life, and the value you provide to the business and the value the business provides to you.

I would suggest everyone take this to heart, and doubly so for managers. The goal in all situations is to meet people where they are, understand their wants and needs, and figure out how that fits into the context in which you both operate. One on ones are a very good tool for this. Yes, talk about work and business in your one on one, but also talk about whats going on in your life and the world, the challenges you face, the things you are excited about, and what opportunities you can craft together to maximize value across the board.

As a leader you occasionally need to have hard conversations, and you don’t want these conversations to be your only interaction with people. If people are terrified anywhere you show up then you have a problem. One on ones are good way to address the sense of unease many folks have by creating repeated positive, genuine, and low-stakes interactions with people. This helps both parties have a more open and honest dialogue when shit gets real.

I continue to be amazed at the value that comes from these conversations. Through these conversations we have helped people take life changing sabbaticals, make proper space for people to deal with grief and loss, support team members immigrating between countries, save people at risk of churning from the company, support people starting families and make sure we don’t annoy them while they are out, fix communication problems between teams and individuals, totally reform technologies/architectures/processes, create plans for people to be promoted, identify opportunities and connections for people, and generally build a much stronger team that likes working together and supports each other.

Achieving productive one on ones are an essential piece of building a culture and environment where people can do their best work, and that is where the magic happens.

Dear Paige

Congratulations! Graduating high school is not a trivial endeavor, and you have done it! Please believe me when I say that many high school seniors put in far more work than some adults I know, and all of the elbow grease you have put into launching Spaceship You (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snAhsXyO3Ck) into orbit will take you far. In fact, it may take years before you realize just how much the work you have already done will contribute to achieving escape velocity and reaching the great heights you dream of.

Keep building on that momentum. Inertia and friction are surprisingly strong and subtle forces, and it is far easier to course correct a rocket than to get it off the ground. To that end, I was thinking back to when I graduated high school (it was a while ago, but not -that- long ago!) and what insights and knowledge I wish I had come across earlier that would have added velocity to achieving my hopes and dreams. If I listed them all we would be here until the heat death of the universe, so I will share with you five key insights and four books related to them that have positively impacted my life. I hope these do as much good for you as they have done for me.

You can’t fight your biology

My introverted engineering brain really prefers to logic its way out of problems. Unfortunately, you can’t logic your way out of your biology. The simple truth is we are creatures like any other on this interstellar vessel we call Planet Earth. We are uniquely adapted to life on it, and no amount of thinking or wishing otherwise changes those facts. This means all of the conventional wisdom in this area actually matters and makes a surprisingly big difference:

Get lots of sleep
Walk every day
Drink plenty of water
Spend time with people you care about
Eat well

I had to relearn these lessons the hard way over the past several years, and this year in-particular I have focused on the last one: eat well. You only get one body, so make sure you nourish it and take care of it the best you can. To this end, I give you Ruhlman’s Twenty. I have found this to be the easiest and most digestible book on cooking techniques for amateur chefs, and the lessons it holds will serve you well for a lifetime.

Happiness is a curve

Enjoy yourself and the fruits of your labor as much as you can in the next few years, as studies show that you will accumulate “complex experiences” rapidly once you hit middle age. It is simply the human condition to experience stress and tragedy in addition to love and joy. Everyone struggles, whether they show it or not. I know this graph can feel discouraging, but know that life’s challenges are shared by all and that happiness waits for you in the end.

On this point I give you Scott Galloway’s The Algebra of Happiness. Scott is sometimes a controversial figure, but the pithy insights he shares in this book have resonated with thousands of readers and made Scott one of the most sought after professors at NYU. Although he talks about the happiness curve, he also shares many other useful pieces of advice for young people that are worth considering.

Money is a tool, not a goal

Life sure would be easier if we had all of the money in the world, right? Well sure, to a point. It is true you absolutely need to achieve some financial stability to avoid the stress of living paycheck to paycheck. But what good is a pile of money once you have a roof over you head, food in your stomach, and some money saved for a rainy day? Figuring out your purpose in life is surprisingly hard, and how much money you actually need corresponds more with your goals and way of life than anything else.

Few things cause stress like not having enough money or understanding how it works. You are probably tired of hearing this, but you also have one great advantage on your side: time. Time is a very important factor in how money can be made to work for you. Learning and employing good financial habits early in life will give you a tremendous leg up, and future you will be thanking you for making smart and meaningful choices.

There are many good books in this realm, but Ramit Sethi’s I Will Teach You To Be Rich seems like the best starting point. This book will teach you the basics of everything from credit cards, to 401ks, Roth IRAs, and investing in general. Soak in these words and watch as your stress about money melts away.

When life is hard, consider those who came before

Marcus Aurelius’ rule of Rome was punctuated by near constant war, famine, disease, betrayal, and other hardship. And yet, in Meditations, he shows us how even the most powerful person in the world deals with the same struggles as the rest of us. It is truly incredible how the problems of today mirror those of 162 A.D.

There are many branches of philosophy, but I find few as practically useful as stoicism, and Meditations is one of the greatest works of spiritual and and ethical reflections ever written. When life is hard, consider turning to the stoics for answers. You will find a practical framework of thought regarding your troubles that has stood the test of time. And maybe, just maybe, you will find comfort in the fact that a Roman emperor who lived 1900 years ago was also trying to figure out how to deal with annoying people and procrastination.

Cherish your parents

Your adult life is just beginning, and there is infinite opportunity ahead of you in the vast reaches of space. It is your duty to chart a course, explore, experience new things, and seek challenge and happiness. But don’t forget who made it possible. You come from an awesome family, and your parents have done a tremendous job raising you, supporting you, and helping you build and launch your rocket into space.

This may be hard to imagine, but there will be a time (hopefully in the far distant future) where they won’t be around and you will wish they were. Don’t wait to cherish them. Appreciate them now, today, for who they are, what they have given you, and spend your years soaking up their wisdom to carry wherever life takes you.

Your story is also their story, so make it a good one.

Everything Is Change – The Daily Stoic – Part 19 of 366

Meditate often on the swiftness with which all that exists and is coming into being is swept by us and carried away. For substance is like a river’s unending flow, its activities continually changing and causes infinitely shifting so almost thing at all stands still.

– Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 5.23

It amuses me to think that Marcus Aurelius was probably also taught Heraclitus’ pithy adages in a similar manner to which we all learn them today considering that, even in Marcus’ time, it was already ancient wisdom given the hundreds of years that separate the two men’s lives.

No man steps in the same river twice.

Everything flows.

The only constant is change.

To some these words are demoralizing. Must everything be fleeting? How does one build a foundation when change is constant? How can you enjoy the moment knowing it won’t last?

To this I would say, consider the opposite. The trials and tribulations of today hardly matter if they are transient. Your failures, real or imagined, will soon be behind you. The discomfort of this moment will pass if you let it.

When life is hard, endure. Change will come to shuffle the board.

When life is good, enjoy as deeply and passionately as possible. Nothing lasts forever.

And perhaps, instead of trying to build sturdy foundations, you would be better served by building sturdy boats instead.

You Choose The Outcome – The Daily Stoic – Part 18 of 366

He was sent to prison. But the observation ‘he has suffered evil,’ is an addition coming from you.

– Epictetus, Discourses, 3.8.5b-6a

The book notes this classic bit of Stoic wisdom: an event is objective. How we describe it and what meaning we give it is on us.

This makes me think of the massive layoffs happening across the gaming industry right now. It is a tumultuous time and has undoubtedly caused great pain, strife, and agony for many. There is no doubt that for many of those affected it is a calamity, an unfairness stricken upon them, a “suffered evil” in the words of Epictetus here. All of this may be true and valid thinking.

But there will be some who use this as an opportunity for change. Maybe they will found a different game studio, try a different role or industry, or take a much deserved break. I firmly believe that the skills learned in the games industry can make a huge impact if applied more broadly in other industries, and I have no doubt for some this will be an inciting incident that will propel them to new heights they would not have imagined otherwise.

The book’s passage concludes, “acceptance isn’t passive. It is the first step in an active process toward self-improvement.” How you define your setbacks will also define you.

Will you be the phoenix or the ashes?