One on One

Many folks I know lament doing 1 on 1s at work, and the trepidation is often on both sides of the conversation.

Is my boss/coworker/direct report supposed to be my friend? Do we only talk about work? How much of my life do they really need to know? How much of their life do I need to know? Does any of it matter?

Personally I have been on both ends of the spectrum. As an engineer I usually want nothing more than uninterrupted time to do my work, and recurring meetings break into that. Throw in a 1 on 1 where the agenda might be nebulous and the meeting performative then the whole thing seems like a waste of time. As a manager, the number of 1 on 1s can be overwhelming if you are doing direct reports, skip levels, lateral peers, your boss and dotted lines. Also, the higher up you get the more relationships you have to manage, and the success of your organization becomes increasingly predicated on these relationships.

That said, at a fundamental level, businesses are about people. It is about your customer and their problems that you solve. It is about your team that solves those problems. It is about the vendors your business relies on to operate. It is about the communities in which you operate. It is about you, your life, and the value you provide to the business and the value the business provides to you.

I would suggest everyone take this to heart, and doubly so for managers. The goal in all situations is to meet people where they are, understand their wants and needs, and figure out how that fits into the context in which you both operate. One on ones are a very good tool for this. Yes, talk about work and business in your one on one, but also talk about whats going on in your life and the world, the challenges you face, the things you are excited about, and what opportunities you can craft together to maximize value across the board.

As a leader you occasionally need to have hard conversations, and you don’t want these conversations to be your only interaction with people. If people are terrified anywhere you show up then you have a problem. One on ones are good way to address the sense of unease many folks have by creating repeated positive, genuine, and low-stakes interactions with people. This helps both parties have a more open and honest dialogue when shit gets real.

I continue to be amazed at the value that comes from these conversations. Through these conversations we have helped people take life changing sabbaticals, make proper space for people to deal with grief and loss, support team members immigrating between countries, save people at risk of churning from the company, support people starting families and make sure we don’t annoy them while they are out, fix communication problems between teams and individuals, totally reform technologies/architectures/processes, create plans for people to be promoted, identify opportunities and connections for people, and generally build a much stronger team that likes working together and supports each other.

Achieving productive one on ones are an essential piece of building a culture and environment where people can do their best work, and that is where the magic happens.

Dear Paige

Congratulations! Graduating high school is not a trivial endeavor, and you have done it! Please believe me when I say that many high school seniors put in far more work than some adults I know, and all of the elbow grease you have put into launching Spaceship You (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snAhsXyO3Ck) into orbit will take you far. In fact, it may take years before you realize just how much the work you have already done will contribute to achieving escape velocity and reaching the great heights you dream of.

Keep building on that momentum. Inertia and friction are surprisingly strong and subtle forces, and it is far easier to course correct a rocket than to get it off the ground. To that end, I was thinking back to when I graduated high school (it was a while ago, but not -that- long ago!) and what insights and knowledge I wish I had come across earlier that would have added velocity to achieving my hopes and dreams. If I listed them all we would be here until the heat death of the universe, so I will share with you five key insights and four books related to them that have positively impacted my life. I hope these do as much good for you as they have done for me.

You can’t fight your biology

My introverted engineering brain really prefers to logic its way out of problems. Unfortunately, you can’t logic your way out of your biology. The simple truth is we are creatures like any other on this interstellar vessel we call Planet Earth. We are uniquely adapted to life on it, and no amount of thinking or wishing otherwise changes those facts. This means all of the conventional wisdom in this area actually matters and makes a surprisingly big difference:

Get lots of sleep
Walk every day
Drink plenty of water
Spend time with people you care about
Eat well

I had to relearn these lessons the hard way over the past several years, and this year in-particular I have focused on the last one: eat well. You only get one body, so make sure you nourish it and take care of it the best you can. To this end, I give you Ruhlman’s Twenty. I have found this to be the easiest and most digestible book on cooking techniques for amateur chefs, and the lessons it holds will serve you well for a lifetime.

Happiness is a curve

Enjoy yourself and the fruits of your labor as much as you can in the next few years, as studies show that you will accumulate “complex experiences” rapidly once you hit middle age. It is simply the human condition to experience stress and tragedy in addition to love and joy. Everyone struggles, whether they show it or not. I know this graph can feel discouraging, but know that life’s challenges are shared by all and that happiness waits for you in the end.

On this point I give you Scott Galloway’s The Algebra of Happiness. Scott is sometimes a controversial figure, but the pithy insights he shares in this book have resonated with thousands of readers and made Scott one of the most sought after professors at NYU. Although he talks about the happiness curve, he also shares many other useful pieces of advice for young people that are worth considering.

Money is a tool, not a goal

Life sure would be easier if we had all of the money in the world, right? Well sure, to a point. It is true you absolutely need to achieve some financial stability to avoid the stress of living paycheck to paycheck. But what good is a pile of money once you have a roof over you head, food in your stomach, and some money saved for a rainy day? Figuring out your purpose in life is surprisingly hard, and how much money you actually need corresponds more with your goals and way of life than anything else.

Few things cause stress like not having enough money or understanding how it works. You are probably tired of hearing this, but you also have one great advantage on your side: time. Time is a very important factor in how money can be made to work for you. Learning and employing good financial habits early in life will give you a tremendous leg up, and future you will be thanking you for making smart and meaningful choices.

There are many good books in this realm, but Ramit Sethi’s I Will Teach You To Be Rich seems like the best starting point. This book will teach you the basics of everything from credit cards, to 401ks, Roth IRAs, and investing in general. Soak in these words and watch as your stress about money melts away.

When life is hard, consider those who came before

Marcus Aurelius’ rule of Rome was punctuated by near constant war, famine, disease, betrayal, and other hardship. And yet, in Meditations, he shows us how even the most powerful person in the world deals with the same struggles as the rest of us. It is truly incredible how the problems of today mirror those of 162 A.D.

There are many branches of philosophy, but I find few as practically useful as stoicism, and Meditations is one of the greatest works of spiritual and and ethical reflections ever written. When life is hard, consider turning to the stoics for answers. You will find a practical framework of thought regarding your troubles that has stood the test of time. And maybe, just maybe, you will find comfort in the fact that a Roman emperor who lived 1900 years ago was also trying to figure out how to deal with annoying people and procrastination.

Cherish your parents

Your adult life is just beginning, and there is infinite opportunity ahead of you in the vast reaches of space. It is your duty to chart a course, explore, experience new things, and seek challenge and happiness. But don’t forget who made it possible. You come from an awesome family, and your parents have done a tremendous job raising you, supporting you, and helping you build and launch your rocket into space.

This may be hard to imagine, but there will be a time (hopefully in the far distant future) where they won’t be around and you will wish they were. Don’t wait to cherish them. Appreciate them now, today, for who they are, what they have given you, and spend your years soaking up their wisdom to carry wherever life takes you.

Your story is also their story, so make it a good one.

Everything Is Change – The Daily Stoic – Part 19 of 366

Meditate often on the swiftness with which all that exists and is coming into being is swept by us and carried away. For substance is like a river’s unending flow, its activities continually changing and causes infinitely shifting so almost thing at all stands still.

– Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 5.23

It amuses me to think that Marcus Aurelius was probably also taught Heraclitus’ pithy adages in a similar manner to which we all learn them today considering that, even in Marcus’ time, it was already ancient wisdom given the hundreds of years that separate the two men’s lives.

No man steps in the same river twice.

Everything flows.

The only constant is change.

To some these words are demoralizing. Must everything be fleeting? How does one build a foundation when change is constant? How can you enjoy the moment knowing it won’t last?

To this I would say, consider the opposite. The trials and tribulations of today hardly matter if they are transient. Your failures, real or imagined, will soon be behind you. The discomfort of this moment will pass if you let it.

When life is hard, endure. Change will come to shuffle the board.

When life is good, enjoy as deeply and passionately as possible. Nothing lasts forever.

And perhaps, instead of trying to build sturdy foundations, you would be better served by building sturdy boats instead.

You Choose The Outcome – The Daily Stoic – Part 18 of 366

He was sent to prison. But the observation ‘he has suffered evil,’ is an addition coming from you.

– Epictetus, Discourses, 3.8.5b-6a

The book notes this classic bit of Stoic wisdom: an event is objective. How we describe it and what meaning we give it is on us.

This makes me think of the massive layoffs happening across the gaming industry right now. It is a tumultuous time and has undoubtedly caused great pain, strife, and agony for many. There is no doubt that for many of those affected it is a calamity, an unfairness stricken upon them, a “suffered evil” in the words of Epictetus here. All of this may be true and valid thinking.

But there will be some who use this as an opportunity for change. Maybe they will found a different game studio, try a different role or industry, or take a much deserved break. I firmly believe that the skills learned in the games industry can make a huge impact if applied more broadly in other industries, and I have no doubt for some this will be an inciting incident that will propel them to new heights they would not have imagined otherwise.

The book’s passage concludes, “acceptance isn’t passive. It is the first step in an active process toward self-improvement.” How you define your setbacks will also define you.

Will you be the phoenix or the ashes?

Never Complain, Never Explain – The Daily Stoic – Part 17 of 366

Don’t allow yourself to be heard any longer griping about public life, not even with your own ears!

– Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 8.9

The burdens of responsibility are immense, and it is human nature to want to air your grievances about any given thing. The conventional wisdom even reinforces this: don’t bottle things up, get it off your chest, blow off steam.

How interesting it is then that we know, and have known clearly since Marcus’ time, that venting does no good. A recent study confirms that venting actually can be benign at best and counterproductive at its worst because it essentially elevates the problems in your mind and allows you to ruminate on them more deeply. Rumination is also deeply tied to mental health and depression.

This comes as a timely reminder for me, and it was one of the most important takeaways from Holiday’s The Obstacle Is The Way — it is easy to complain, make excuses and justifications, but it doesn’t do anything, it never lightens the load, and it does not remove the obstacles you face.

Negativity is like a cancer: it multiplies until it destroys the very being that gives it life if it is not stopped in its tracks.

The Strong Accept Responsibility – The Daily Stoic – Part 16 of 366

If we judge as good and evil only the things in the power of our own choice, then there is no room left for blaming the gods or being hostile to others.

– Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 6.41

In the world of business there is a key trait that is highlighted in just about every book on leadership and company culture: as a leader you take blame and give praise. Complaints go up the chain of command, not down. This doesn’t mean as a leader you don’t provide guidance, feedback, corrections, and so on, but you must internally learn to differentiate between what is venting and complaining and what is valuable, actionable feedback for your team and organization. The most successful leaders accept responsibility, often without praise and accolades.

Given this, I am always drawn back to a thought exercise I went through in business school which, while it has some eerie dystopian capitalist overtones, I think is useful for many people who have never thought of life this way. Imagine your life a business, and you as the CEO. You must make strategic decisions, and over your life you will likely command millions in revenue from salaries and other sources. You have to choose when and how to invest in your team (that’s you, and your partner if you have one), which opportunities to take and ignore, how to manage your cost structure, and figure out how to deal with the many obstacles that face your nascent enterprise.

You are the the CEO of your life. You are the top of the chain of command. The buck stops with you. It is your choices and actions that will guide the outcomes.

The responsibility is yours.

This Should Be Quick & Easy™

During a recent lunch conversation with my colleagues we discussed the idea that you often cannot easily see the world from another person’s perspective because you cannot unlearn what you know or remove your biases completely. In engineering this sometimes manifests with senior team members (including me, to my shame) sometimes saying, “Oh, this is will be quick and easy” without necessarily explaining why because the answer seems so obvious.

But it isn’t obvious. Not to everyone. And if you quickly chime in that a problem is trivial then you’ve potentially set off spurious thoughts in other team members that are unhelpful. Wait, why is that easy? It doesn’t seem easy. I must be missing something. Or maybe I just suck.

Obviously this is not the intent of the comment. In fact, we think we’re helping! We assume in a perfect world people will always ask questions and feel safe in doing so, but the senior team members have transferred the onus to the junior team members in this scenario. Worse still, they have potentially robbed them of a learning opportunity based on their personality and gumption.

The lesson here is a simple one, but it is still hard for me. That is why I have it on a sticky note on my monitor during video calls.

Listen more and speak less.

Provide intent, not instruction.

Don’t chart the course, but course correct.

Depression is a disease of civilization

Depression is hard. I have found it can be nearly impossible to explain and convey the gravity of it to people who have never experienced it themselves or with those they care about. For those unfamiliar it is easy to see laziness or apathy, but for those struggling its hard to explain why the simplest tasks are insurmountable. Why taking out the trash or going for a walk or checking the mail takes every ounce of power you can muster. You’re spent and you aren’t sure why. Everything little thing feels impossible.

I remember when I first watched this talk by Dr. Stephen Ilardi ten years ago, and as someone who was struggling with depression it really made me challenge my assumptions about my struggles. When he talked about depression being nearly non-existent in hunter gatherer societies even to this day it has to make you wonder as he did: why is that? How is that possible? Rates of mental health issues have increased dramatically over the last 50 years and show no signs of slowing, and yet we have more research than ever on the topic.

Everyone’s struggle is different and I suggest anyone who is struggling to seek help and connection, but I can say for myself that his hypothesis and advice was apropos. Modern life removes a lot of the struggles we are biologically adapted for, and that leaves us with mental and physical gaps to fill. If you don’t need to find your food yourself then your brain will start to equate that struggle with your DoorDash order. With so much spare time you turn your phone into a job with endless social media apps to scroll, notifications to read and clear, and numbers to make go up or down as your dopamine demands. Since the web is infinite you can do this endlessly, and you lose sleep in search of the next cat video that will make your brain tingle for 15 seconds. You become “busy” and don’t see your friends because you feel like crap and become overwhelmed. The cycle turns into a death spiral.

I don’t mean to trivialize, but these are modern invented problems only made possible by the advancements of civilization. Our biology isn’t adapted to spend 14 hours a day on a screen. You need the sun and nature. You are a social creature no matter how introverted you are. Your brain is wired for connection. Your brain needs challenging and creative work the way your muscles need movement. Without it you will atrophy.

I have spent the last few years working diligently on becoming the best version of myself, and the results have dramatically exceeded what I would have predicted when deep down in the depths of depression. If I could sum up my biased n=1 personal experiment it would largely follow Dr. Ilardi’s advice:

Sleep well
Move more
Challenge your brain
Prioritize social connection
Provide value to others
Play with the world

Put the screen away, go outside, and follow where your feet take you. That is where the world is.